I'll Burn this city down to show you the light.

a_used_canvas @ 2009-12-04T08:26:00

2009-12-04T13:26:59Z

Here I am. I am no one. It's felt like that for awhile now.

Episode IV: A New Fear.

2009-11-20T23:45:50Z

This will most likely go
unnoticed
uninterested
unintentional.

Giving up is like medicine.
I only do it when I have to.
Maybe I don't know the truth.
But there is still way too much involved
for me to feel like home.
Home always felt like you.

Goodnight and good eye.
Cause I'll always be the same guy
In those eyes

In those eye's I learned to love
In those eyes I learned to see
You're beautiful girl
To everyone especially me.

Adieu my heart adieu to you.
I;m now done with dreaming.
Hope will no longer sneak itself into my life.
From here on out
Fear will hear me out
It's all I have left

Ready when you are

2009-11-20T16:07:20Z

When you figure it all out
It'll all be said and done
I'm tired of meaning nothing to everyone
You were always one to say the things
That I needed to hear.
You swore you meant.
What do you mean now?

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

a_used_canvas @ 2009-11-20T00:00:00

2009-11-20T05:00:38Z

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Growing.

2009-11-20T05:00:35Z

You know, there's a lot to be said for those who like to grow on their own. we all do at sone point. There is, however, even more to be said for those with significant others.

So much can be learned from each other. It makes the highs so much higher and the lows so much lower. It's through this we grow individually and as a person connected.

Reach out. I'm right here.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Much worse.

2009-11-16T04:53:30Z

I hope she's okay. I know she is. You wells' are strong. I hope phil is ok too.

I hope I didn't piss you off tonight.

When everything turns out the way it should I know we will be fine. I know I falter a lot. You were my world and you got ripped from me and I was left floating in space. A huge heart with a lot of room to move. It's slowly getting better I promise. I had an amazing weekend with you and hope for many more.

You are truly a thing of beauty.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Crush'd

2009-11-13T14:53:07Z

When I was eight years old,
Before puberty took hold,
I thought I'd end up beside a princess bride
And love was indivisible.
Never mind how my taste reflects
A disturbing oedipal complex,
It's not awkward girl,
The compliments are coming next.

You're no witch,
You're no wench,
You're like Bjork with better fashion sense,
So I phone 50-Cents
And I'm building up my confidence.
Respect to your work,
You're an artist, I'm a silly jerk.
I think that dynamic could work.

So work it.

I have a total crush on you, baby
And I can't let it go, oh no.
I have a total crush on you, baby
Baby, if only I could let you know.

When we spoke, no joke
I started shedding slutty girls like snakeskin,
My collection acquired through shallow misdirection
And as I drive tonight,
West coast sky daring me to try,
I feel alive tonight,
The possibility that I'm your guy.

Though I suffer from dyslexia
And mild manorexia,
My hair cannot commit to one popular genre of music
And though they all claim
That a girl can't take her boy's last name
Or end up divorced and estranged.

I'm counting on you.

I have a total crush on you, baby
And I can't let it go, oh no.
I have a total crush on you, baby
Baby, if only I could...

Your other suitors are no poets
They're only actors who can play guitar
Have I won your heart?
They're not students or screenwriters
They're only models that they taught to read
Love, would you agree?

I have a total crush on you, baby.
And I can't let it go, oh no
I have a total crush on you, baby
Baby, if only I could...

Quite sure you love me, Sherri
Quite sure I love you too
We'll each should make a verbal agreement
To only kiss each other
Because one time, beneath the sky
Outside my New York pigsty
I saw a vision of you and I

Ha ha!

Did it hurt?
Did it hurt?
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven, girl?

La dada dada da da
La dada da da
La dada dada da da
La dada da da

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

I'll just take my pants ff and type anoter letter.

2009-11-09T06:54:40Z

We keep forgetting the past
and forging a future.
I keep my mind occupied
while i pretend to be the only suitor.
Quite honestly, the most suitable.
I don't want to be white noise on a screen
that never goes away.
I wanna be something.
I want to mean something to you.
more than anything.
Hoping one day you'll admit to.

Here's to us
Here's to best friends and
even better lovers.
We're more than just anything
We're what's healthy for each other.
A solid breakfast.
All the right food groups.

The heart's the biggest muscle. It won't stop until it grows to be the anything inside of me.
So bring a float you're caught in my bloodstream.

a_used_canvas @ 2009-11-02T23:52:00

2009-11-03T04:57:08Z

must....empty....brain....

tried going to sleep earlier. Just wound up playing. sometimes its actually nice to meet some people on that thing. Some dude tonight was real nice lives in NY and went to temple. weird.

I'm the king of chivalry
I'll make sure youre on the right side of the street.
But there's never been anyone there
to look out for me.
So I keep walking into doors

Today was unproductive tiring and lonely. Hope tomorrow's better. Night.

Unavailable.

2009-11-01T17:30:27Z

Maybe fear and hope are not opposites but mirror images. What is fear except the truth shone in the light? What is fear except hoping in the dark? Sometimes (most times) these things engulf me setting my brain on fire. My thoughts are slowly starting to die down thanks to some good judgement and even better friends. I am constantly in my own head tearing at the logical half of the brain. It's like holding on to the string of a popped helium balloon. I'm constantly dragging up memories in my own head. For what? Self Preservation. I never realized how important we are supposed to be to ourselves. Helping those around us is merely helping ourselves as well. It's the good deeds that bring me joy. Rejected good deeds however bring me something more indescribable. Mere disappointment perhaps. My friends whatever journey it is that you are on know that I'm right beside you to hold your hand and help you dream again. And what are dreams? Mere remembrances of the past configured in a way that relieves the imagination in all of us. Whether it be drowning or being naked in front of an audience I will be right beside you, holding your head up or embarrassing myself. It's time I focus on me. So keep your eyes and ears open. I'm passionate and I love it. I'm coming up. Look out world.

(How my mind went on this path I am not sure, but it helps. Mere ramblings may lead to be a guideline of life for me one day.

Every day is another chance to bury my regret.

2009-10-29T14:09:20Z

They say surround yourself with good people
I want to surround myself in you
You're what keeps me alive
What helps me pull through.

Yes. I think way too much. Please don't take that as a bad thing. It usually never bad thoughts. It's just not a great situation I guess. I want to give you everything you need; space, comfort, time, love, respect. I just wish the oppurtunities arose a bit more. It's hard to think straight on days like today. I'm ready for whatever love. I didn't mean for the past couple hours to turn out the way they did. My only option is to, like you, take it one day at a time.

You're the one person I can sit in complete silence with, comfortably. That says a lot about love right there. It sounds stupid but it's one of the best ways to know. I ask to hear things too much. I'm in complete understanding of your situation. I'm gonna pull back a little. I'm coming on way too strong. It's all I know. And I apologize for that. I'm uber passionate about the things that mean most to me in life. So please be understanding of that. I'm gonna do my best. I love hearing from you, talking to you, all that jazz. So let's never let this end.

I love you.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

The Family Jewels.

2009-10-14T22:57:13Z

Looking forward to looking forward to things.
It's mighty cold and making you warm makes me feel warm.
To say I love you doesn't cut it.
But know you mean more to me than anything.

There are so many options and everything. Everything leads back to you. Your texts all day make my shit job seem okay.

I can't wait til tomorrow.

<3

I never meant to be nobody's nothing.

2009-10-11T05:11:43Z

"A head that aches doesn't have to stay that way,
just let what's dead go.
I know there's pain in leaving things all too well.
In time, you'll find needing things only kills you slowly.
If you're not sure who you are, you're not alone.
If you're not sure what you want, you're not alone.
If you're not sure of life of love (?), you're not alone.
Tell your friends, hey come on over and talk.
You bring the drinks, I'll bring the bad mood.
Everyone feels like you.
Tell your dad to come on over and we'll talk,
you bring your drinks, I'll bring the fuck you's.
Long awaited, long overdue.
Tell your ex-girlfriend you need her to be there at bedtime.
Cause you cant sleep your minds on all these things.
Bring out what's dead and dying from a rotting body while you still can. "

I think this song rings true most days of my life.
Everyone feels like you.

It could be the Owen I've been listening but I've been down right sad lately. I'm hoping it's one of those really sad before really happy things that goes on. Like somehow it all evens out. Cause there's somethings I'd like to do and say. But we seem to be happiest in the end when we are the saddest right now. It sucks knowing where the person you love is going at night especially when they know you have nowhere to go or don;t care all too much.

My heart races at the just thought, it flutters.

I've been reading this book, The Amnesiac, by Sam Taylor. Its quite good from everything I've read so far. The main character has one of those what's it all mean kinda moments. He realizes he spent so much time trying to get the days to go by faster because he was afraid of something that he barely remembers his past. He blocks it out because of something in his past. He wonders how he got to this point of moving out and moving on with his girl and stuff. It goes through that whole afraid should I be happy phase. I guess it hits a little close to home.

I hate the days you don't say things to me or can't because you're with him. I hate that I have to watch what I say. Or that I can't smile when I hear your name. All for fear of ruining this. But i also feel like if it ever could be ruined it would've been by now. So out of respect for you I will hereby drop everything. Just know I'm not sure how long my head or my body will let me wait. Take your time my love. But this involves more than just you. You mean everything to me.

Got a big show tomorrow and it makes me nervous. I hope I get to see you.
It'll make everything worth everything. Goodnight love.

(It's my right to be a fucking baby sometimes.)
(What else in this fucking room reminds me of fucking you?) <3

Fragile little things

2009-10-06T13:39:38Z

My heart Is made of porcelain
Or so it seems.
And every crack could be the death of me.

I guess I only really wear it on my sleeve. It's always for you. Because I've got my own little bubble. It just gets thicker and thicker. You're the only one ever allowed in. So forgive me for the overhappiness I exute. The love I want you to be a part of. I reapeat myself I know. Love is so hard to express through words and paper and black and white. There's so much color to it. It's just I have you in this bubble with me and I don't want you to get out. We've got our on little world. Our own little piece of sky no one can see but us from our perspective. No one can feel the way we do about it. I can't explain it. The chemistry of it all. The electrons bouncing when two like substances converge. I guess that's what love is.

Know the reason I say it so often is because it scares the fuck out of me. I really can only say it to you. Cause every time I say my heart skips a beat. If it came back unanswered it may never find the right beat again. Which is pretty much in unison with yours. So in a way, I only say to overcome my fear. Cause if love really does exist I'd only want it to be with you.

Alas, there's not really much I can do at this point but let you figure out whatever you're doing. I just hope I'm in the outcome. I can't help but think you may never be single. I know how your head works. So that perfect date may never happen. I tried it once before with a picnic and wine on Kelly. It was stupid. I'm pretty sure it was dull as well. But hurry up cause I wanna open away we go.

Ugh. My head is in the same place as my heart, everywhere. I'm tired of buying homeless people in front of wawa a sandwich or helping people when they break down or all that. I do everything I can for everyone cause it breaks my heart to see em like that. I know i'd want the same thing. Why am I like this. I feel like it's a bad thing more than a good thing because I just keep getting the royal shaft from god, or it's equal, or the universe or whatever.

Where did I go wrong?

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

It doesn't make it easier to be away.

2009-10-04T16:19:52Z

Distortion. White Noise. These things plague my head. Overshadowing the thoughts just enough to drown out the very heart of the message. Sometimes, I just wanna put the caps like on and scream frustration from this screen.

Here's a fear of mine. You've got your own thing going on right now. I understand that. A big fear for me....Absence and distance makes the heart grow fonder. Well while your somewhere else and leave me hanging on by our short encounters I feel my love just grows. Then when we are free to do what we want with our love my heart will be way too invested. More so than yours. You never were a big fan of that. I want to say it all the time. Sing it. Whatever. No one has ever made me feel the way you do. But I'm sure people have made you feel the way I do.

Every time I say things I feel like such a freak or creeper cause I'm constantly stating this. I can't help it. I will just shut up from now on.

What am I looking for? Some piece of mind? Why does my head spin? Why do I wonder what you two do with your alone time? or the intimate times? what is it we have here? Why does it mean so much more when you say it? Is it the high regard I hold you in? How did all of this come about?

You mean the absolute world to me. When you left I had to build a new one. Now I feel like our two planets are merging. Ugh. I'm so boring and cliche.

Standard one of a kind feature.

2009-10-02T21:36:13Z

My heart finally dropped into my chest after months of being stuck in my neck. at last, I can breathe again.

-Me

What's to say that hasn't been said.
Things in my heart you know.
You've always had it.
What do you call home?
A place to live?
A place to love?
Comfort?

Regardless to me, home is wherever you are.

You don't always make me happy. No one can ever make you happy all the time. But what I feel is there is no one in the world I would rather have all those emotions with. Cause after all of these emotions you will still be there. That's what matters.

I really wish your body was in the same place as your mind. I miss you on this side of the delaware. That state doesn't deserve to have you. Those ugly plates, hideous license. Things I've come to resent. Because it was always something you went against. Now all I want is you. It's crazy how these feelings come back twice as strong. I guess I just let it ferment. It just made it so much better and stronger. Like beer I guess. Cause the truth is, feelings like this don't disappear. They just don't.

Love is the sole's recognition of it's counterpart in the eye's of someone else. Had our eyes never meant. I may have never known this feeling. So thank you. Cause no matter how much it hurts it's never in a bad way. I'm always learning. I'm always constantly reminded of you.

The thought of you with him though. That's a whole nother. story. Sometimes we gotta just...jump. They'll always be someone there to catch you. I know I'll always be there.

I love you.

nothing about me is original, i am the combined effort of everyone i've ever known.

2009-10-02T21:25:24Z

some quotes.

what i want is to be needed. what i need is to be indispensable to somebody. who i need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. somebody addicted to me. a mutual addiction." - chuck palahniuk

"two people can be perfect for each other but if the timing's wrong, it's never going to work out. bad timing is the reason that most normal people end up single. Weirdos and creeps are single 'cause they are weird and creepy, but people like us are single because of bad timing." - love and sex

"when life gives you lemons, just say fuck the lemons and bail." - forgetting sarah marshall

"i, myself, am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions." - augusten burroughs

Have you ever been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like 'maybe we should just be friends' or 'how very perceptive' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.

From the book THE SANDMAN: THE KINDLY ONES by NEIL GAIMAN

"i've said it before and i'll say it again: life moves pretty fast. if you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." - ferris bueller

I'm saving my scissors for when I really need them.

2009-09-27T16:18:19Z

This is the picture that haunts me. Where you seem happier than you've ever been. Happier now that I was gone. It rots into my head like some sort of prehistoric find. A dinosaur that tears at my heart. (Insert Step Brothers quote). "Never let the dinosaur die." Goddamn. My heart rusts from overuse and neglect. It keeps me alive but only a little at a time. It was always a smile that kept me going. But none were so picture perfect and elegant as that. Remember, Eyes Open. I shit these feeling out all over the place like my own form of emotional incontinence. There's no cure for this. I've plagued myself for years with this picture. Why am I so wrapped up in you. Wrapped up in everything you do? Desperate for the piece of me you took with you. It's non-refundable and has a left a void bigger than that which which remains. You've been carrying me with you. Are you just starting to notice? Are you ever going to? Cause I've got a piece of you here. Not a sweatshirt or some deviant form of memorabilia, but some dead skin that never washed off. Maybe even a piece of the aorta ripped off from some midnight act unmentioned to others. Nothing big but that is the most important muscle of one's body. I never was quite sure why the heart is considered an organ, ya know. I believe it to be a muscle. Or on the borderline, like a tomato is a fruit cause it's got seeds kind of thing. You use your heart and it just gets bigger and stronger and better. But when you don't it just shrinks and shrivels up until it is barely able to keep your body functioning in the way it should. Every time I see someone stopped in a car with a flat or stall I offer to help and usually am successful. I changed a girls tire last week on kelly drive. I helped a fellow who fell off his motorcycle. I gave that guy his wife and dog a ride back home at 1:30 in the morning. I don;t expect anything for these deeds. But why does my heart seem to get smaller. Why do I get shit on? Shitty job, awful pay tat kinda thing. I'm no fucking martyr for the goodness of the human heart. But this muscle doesn't grow because it is not whole. Not even remotely close. It's in you where i find what I need to grow. Why? I could stop asking questions and embrace it. Because right now would just be embracing an idea. Until there's physicality with the mentality it could all be right as rain. What am I speaking of? God damn.

It's like when you're around I have so much to say. What can I do? Stuck between a rock and you.

End of a beginning or beginning of an end? You decide.

a_used_canvas @ 2009-09-27T02:25:00

2009-09-27T06:25:05Z

Once again,
I wish you were.

Sweet dreams to the most beautiful person I know.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

a_used_canvas @ 2009-09-25T07:42:00

2009-09-25T11:48:08Z

Already going to be late for work. I really don't care. I miss you. I wish it was you I woke up next to. To bring you breakfast in bed. Or to kiss your head. To have head on my chest and to feel your heartbeat next to me. It lets me know I'm alive. I know some things are hard for you but I've waited and I continue to do so. It's so hard not to feel like second place sometimes knowing where you're going every night. Whatever happened to us? I hope all this just made us stronger. More aware. More alert. More alive.

My heart beats out of this chest when you're around.

And I wouldn't have it any other way.

drunken ramblings, mumbled verses, and substitutes for curses.

2009-09-22T05:22:11Z

people say life comes in circles. I slowly the find this to be more and more true. But each time something comes around it brings more subject matter with it, therefore making the circle an oval until it is able to even itself out by continuing in a forward motion. I think my new favorite part of life is sliding down the face of that oval and seeing everything as it evens out. This is dumb. Here's something.

Beauty personified in one single solitary moment. In one being surrounded by skin and tissue. In ribs that shatter. Some of our frailest parts protect our most important organs. Organ also being one of my least favorite instruments. Something is to be said for the beautiful ivory ones fingers slides across. But that particular ivory feeling suppressor is just a reminder of a time when we were focused on one greater being. In a school I never fit into and a religion I never had a say in. We never do.

While on the issue of feeling, you're body read like brail to me. Guiding my fingers and teaching me a language I forgot about. The language of you. I hope these aren't hollow words exposed on lips but rather good intentions for future reference. I kept checking my thesauraus for synonyms of words that your body spoke but came up shorthanded every time. My mouth moves to fast for the rest of my body and by the time the rest of me catches up I'm already on a new subject.

Geez, I'm rambling cause I went driving. Driving = Thinking. Thinking < knowing. In that nature Driving < knowing. Which confuses me entirely. Cause driving is discovery. New places on an atlas and in one's my mind.

What the hell was all this?

A mundane critique
of a feeling, obsolete.
the dirt is stil fresh
and the ground, broken easily.

We broke ground.
We broke rules.
We broke hearts.

I cold never push you away
denying my body of something it needs
Like a lack of sleep
Or vitamin deficiency.

So please come back to me
Make me complete.
Before I wither away
and am pronounced obsolete.

Nothing's gonna stop us now.

Adieu to dreaming,
Dreaming of you.

Love...

2008-01-23T06:05:36Z

Condemned words often unsaid
Your thoughts: Better as friends.
Malicious line to the unseen eye
I've never crossed it
Just was always on the wrong side.

You're beautiful and the silence is engaging.
Forgive me for saying.
I think we're both mistaken.
The best part about being perfect is the mistakes.
So quit looking around and look in my eyes.
Look in your heart.

I didn't build you for me
But everything is built around you
I'm tired of seeing faces in everything
Faces I can never talk to.
All of these faces.
They're you.

So please come back.
Show me what you want.
I'm happy with you.
Why can't we just accept.
We're far past fantasy,
Baby I miss you.

Please come home to me.

a_used_canvas @ 2006-06-28T19:41:00

2006-06-28T23:46:33Z

Awaiting your arrival.
Sinking into chairs.
The saddest part of my night.
Is the part when you're not there.

I wake up. I need you at my side.
Tell me everything's okay.
"Everything is alright"

Your picture holds a thousand words
and as these pillows hold my head.
I'm pulling things of the wall.
To pass the time again.

My mind wanders off,
but it comes right back to you.
We're stronger than we ever were.
And my strength comes back to you.

Sing it like you always wanted.
Throw your voice my way.
Sing it so loud we'll sing it out loud.
They'll hear us down the street.